She's out of the woods, she's out of the dark, she's out of the night....

I think this is my last post on my bully. I ask that you indulge me in just a few things I need to release to the wind here - some points about bullying in the workplace that I may have missed or glossed over in previous posts. This is also going to be a bit mushy.

The bully chooses her victim. I have said this before and had some deep discussions regarding this theory with my psychologist. Its not that my bully just has a bad personality. She is well liked by many and doesn’t bully everyone. Oh, she’s narcissistic...another characteristic, and that causes some people to steer clear of her. I don’t exactly understand why nor will I ever, probably, but I think there were several things about me that got to her, and I was to some degree an easy target. I felt a responsibility to protect her, as well, and how twisted is that? If you know anything about abuse, its a phenomena that happens again and again. We are dependent on our abuser for something, or feel protective of them, or feel as though we are somehow to blame for it. She was going to bully someone in the building, of that I am sure...if it wasn’t me, it was going to be someone else, someone she could. Bullies have a second sense about who it can be, and like all abusers, groom their victim. I believe if she hasn’t started already, she will soon be bullying someone. I suspect it has already started. My therapist has said not necessarily. We’ll see.

Being an elected official, and being in the office of an elected official, does not mean the personnel policies adopted by the entity do not apply. Nor does it mean the adopted laws of the Federal Employment Act do not apply. Part of how my bully was able to bully me for so long is based in the belief that she could run her office and her staff any way she deemed fit. This is NOT the case and all adopted handbooks, ordinances and policies apply to everyone that receives a paycheck from the entity. If the opposite were true, as a very knowledgeable lawyer in employment issues put it to me, then a judge could bully a bailiff, a sheriff could bully his jailers, etc. and we all know that’s not the case, right? People can not be mistreated or harassed at their jobs, nor their workplace be a hostile environment.

Since the above is true, it is the responsibility of the human resources department of an entity, if there is one, to protect the employee from a developing harassment or hostility. In my case, I spoke to 3 different Human Resources Directors. Each women in their 40s or so, like me, and like my bully. (Ha! Yes, I know I am no longer in my 40s, but I was) They seemed to simply want to stay out of bully’s way and told me that while they certainly empathized with my situation and recognized the behavior that there was no way for them to intervene as she was an elected official. These ladies may want to do a little more research and training. If there is not a human resources department, the employee would be offered protection under the governing board for the entity and the legal department who is charged with making sure all laws are followed by all parties, elected or otherwise. The employee always has recourse, no one is exempt from fair treatment.

Workplace bullying is like any abusive treatment of an individual by another. There is a psychology to it and a recovery time from it. Its not something that someone can just “get over”. It is not a “personality conflict” between two people. I lost a tremendous amount of respect for some people I really liked because of statements just like those. In trying to protect the bully after the fact and perhaps themselves, co-workers of mine lied to an attorney in interviews regarding pay equity (which was a side to my being off work before worker’s compensation was approved). Again, Dr.’s theory is that they were trying to protect themselves, to not be me and of course, there were their jobs to keep. God grant me the courage, should I ever need to be in similar shoes, to tell the truth, to not be afraid.

To my co-workers who lied; I wish you no harm but I do not respect you. I hope you are not next. If you are next, talk to your HR Director. To my co-workers who knew and stood silent; I wish you no harm. I do wish you a voice. To those that said “it’s a personality conflict” or “that’s something personal between the two of you” when I reached out to you; I wish you no harm. A couple of you I have known for a very, very long time. Our journey together is over.

I will be FOREVER grateful to the people who believed me. The young HR Director who was in the first year of his career and believed that right is right and wrong is just wrong. His courage and his support will stay with me forever. The chief executive of my entity who pointed me in a direction to have a conversation with a legal advisor and gave me a name. Although this well respected lawyer could not get involved in my situation much beyond the surface because of a conflict of interest, his advice to me that April day changed my life. I broke down in that first conversation with Mr. Lawyer as it was the first time I heard “Well, that’s illegal as well as immoral. She can’t do that...here’s what to do.” Thank you to the wise physician in the Occupational Health facility I visited that same April day, who was unbelievably kind and knowledgeable. The two nursing staff ladies in the exam room with me that day who were as dumbfounded as I, I think, as to how I “presented”, but who showed only compassion. The insurance company representative and the nurse case manager; the two psychologists - thank you for your professionalism and help. My personal physician, who has a military background in post traumatic stress and offered great support and information. These folks are my heroes. They believed me, they listened and they were standing with me. I did not pursue this any further through the court system, or insurance, although it was advised and considered. I had to weigh it out. When the two year mark passed, I said a silent prayer and hoped I had done the right thing by letting it go. Time is the best healer, and I continue to take my time to get beyond this evil that so consumed me.

To dear friends and extended family who reached out to me and tried to figure out what to say to let me know they care, I know. I am sorry I couldn’t talk to you about it but, it was mine to work through, and it was so very painful. Sorry about all the crying as I know you aren’t use to that from me. I do so appreciate you all. If I lost touch with you over the last three years, its not you...its me. You know who you are.

Finally, to my family. My husband, who understood. Although I know it was hard, he got it. To my girls, thank you forever for all the listening you did, when you probably didn’t want to. To my boy, who heard.

For all of you that are reading my story, I hope this does not nor has it ever happened to you. Stand up for yourself, stand up for others. Know right, do right. There is NEVER EVER a time when it is acceptable for one person to abuse another. Not no way, not no how.

Heading home.

As more and more information comes out about bullying and bullies, largely in part to these recent horrific stories, I struggle with my own assuredness that I am better. I feel better. I look back at pictures from the period and know I had some good times but my memory of those days are kind of blurry. That’s what bullying and the aftermath has done for me. I have forgotten aspects of many good days. So what have I been doing the last three years?

I didn’t medicate through my treatment. I opted not to go the anti-depressant drug route and I don’t know if it was a mistake or not but it was my choice. However, I was in a fog. The depression consumed me. I functioned, I know I did, but I know I haven’t always been altogether engaged.

I use past tense purposefully although I am sure I am not all the way out of those gloomy times. But lately, I am more myself than I have been for years, I know this. I think my friends and family who have known me for a long time would speak to my silliness, my quirkiness and my fun. What drew my husband to me, he tells me, was that I was bubbly to his quietness. I worked with a man years ago who nicknamed me Sparky. That was before bullying, before depression. B.D. It bothers me a lot but the recent awareness that the traits that made me ME are rising again to the surface thrills me. Thrills me.

I surrounded myself with family and I just shut up...maybe shut out. Over the last three years I stopped talking with people. Some might think that was the depression. I don’t think so, I think it was the healing. I have a group of lovely, lovely friends. About 10 of us and I love us, I really do. But, I had to stop talking. People say the way to get through a rough period is to surround yourself with friends and keep busy. I couldn’t. I just simply could not. It was different than grief and depression I think. I instead dropped out and focused on my home, my family and getting better...focused, what? On me? What? It wasn’t a dark time...those days that were dark were the days I spent outside my home in a work environment where eyes turned the other way while I crumbled. I was now in the days of my recovery.

There wasn’t a lot of “work” being done around the house as I was not into it. So its not like I became a super home maker; I most definitely did not. You have more than likely seen those commericals about depression and they are pretty accurate. It was very hard to be motivated. If I had people in, and I did throw some big events over the last three years, it was for family. In the midst of my recovering I realized my family had no idea what had been going on. None. As I came out of it I realized I wanted very much...and it has become my priority...for my family to know each other. It didn’t matter that they had no idea what was going on but what mattered to me was that we were so much out of contact that they didn’t know what was going on, if that makes sense. It has always been a priority for my kids to know each other and to spend time together but the extended family became a focus for me. I have over the last three years gotten to know each a little better and spent a little more time with them; I love, love, love my family.

I love where I am headed.