I think this is my last post on my bully. I ask that you indulge me in just a few things I need to release to the wind here - some points about bullying in the workplace that I may have missed or glossed over in previous posts. This is also going to be a bit mushy.
The bully chooses her victim. I have said this before and had some deep discussions regarding this theory with my psychologist. Its not that my bully just has a bad personality. She is well liked by many and doesn’t bully everyone. Oh, she’s narcissistic...another characteristic, and that causes some people to steer clear of her. I don’t exactly understand why nor will I ever, probably, but I think there were several things about me that got to her, and I was to some degree an easy target. I felt a responsibility to protect her, as well, and how twisted is that? If you know anything about abuse, its a phenomena that happens again and again. We are dependent on our abuser for something, or feel protective of them, or feel as though we are somehow to blame for it. She was going to bully someone in the building, of that I am sure...if it wasn’t me, it was going to be someone else, someone she could. Bullies have a second sense about who it can be, and like all abusers, groom their victim. I believe if she hasn’t started already, she will soon be bullying someone. I suspect it has already started. My therapist has said not necessarily. We’ll see.
Being an elected official, and being in the office of an elected official, does not mean the personnel policies adopted by the entity do not apply. Nor does it mean the adopted laws of the Federal Employment Act do not apply. Part of how my bully was able to bully me for so long is based in the belief that she could run her office and her staff any way she deemed fit. This is NOT the case and all adopted handbooks, ordinances and policies apply to everyone that receives a paycheck from the entity. If the opposite were true, as a very knowledgeable lawyer in employment issues put it to me, then a judge could bully a bailiff, a sheriff could bully his jailers, etc. and we all know that’s not the case, right? People can not be mistreated or harassed at their jobs, nor their workplace be a hostile environment.
Since the above is true, it is the responsibility of the human resources department of an entity, if there is one, to protect the employee from a developing harassment or hostility. In my case, I spoke to 3 different Human Resources Directors. Each women in their 40s or so, like me, and like my bully. (Ha! Yes, I know I am no longer in my 40s, but I was) They seemed to simply want to stay out of bully’s way and told me that while they certainly empathized with my situation and recognized the behavior that there was no way for them to intervene as she was an elected official. These ladies may want to do a little more research and training. If there is not a human resources department, the employee would be offered protection under the governing board for the entity and the legal department who is charged with making sure all laws are followed by all parties, elected or otherwise. The employee always has recourse, no one is exempt from fair treatment.
Workplace bullying is like any abusive treatment of an individual by another. There is a psychology to it and a recovery time from it. Its not something that someone can just “get over”. It is not a “personality conflict” between two people. I lost a tremendous amount of respect for some people I really liked because of statements just like those. In trying to protect the bully after the fact and perhaps themselves, co-workers of mine lied to an attorney in interviews regarding pay equity (which was a side to my being off work before worker’s compensation was approved). Again, Dr.’s theory is that they were trying to protect themselves, to not be me and of course, there were their jobs to keep. God grant me the courage, should I ever need to be in similar shoes, to tell the truth, to not be afraid.
To my co-workers who lied; I wish you no harm but I do not respect you. I hope you are not next. If you are next, talk to your HR Director. To my co-workers who knew and stood silent; I wish you no harm. I do wish you a voice. To those that said “it’s a personality conflict” or “that’s something personal between the two of you” when I reached out to you; I wish you no harm. A couple of you I have known for a very, very long time. Our journey together is over.
I will be FOREVER grateful to the people who believed me. The young HR Director who was in the first year of his career and believed that right is right and wrong is just wrong. His courage and his support will stay with me forever. The chief executive of my entity who pointed me in a direction to have a conversation with a legal advisor and gave me a name. Although this well respected lawyer could not get involved in my situation much beyond the surface because of a conflict of interest, his advice to me that April day changed my life. I broke down in that first conversation with Mr. Lawyer as it was the first time I heard “Well, that’s illegal as well as immoral. She can’t do that...here’s what to do.” Thank you to the wise physician in the Occupational Health facility I visited that same April day, who was unbelievably kind and knowledgeable. The two nursing staff ladies in the exam room with me that day who were as dumbfounded as I, I think, as to how I “presented”, but who showed only compassion. The insurance company representative and the nurse case manager; the two psychologists - thank you for your professionalism and help. My personal physician, who has a military background in post traumatic stress and offered great support and information. These folks are my heroes. They believed me, they listened and they were standing with me. I did not pursue this any further through the court system, or insurance, although it was advised and considered. I had to weigh it out. When the two year mark passed, I said a silent prayer and hoped I had done the right thing by letting it go. Time is the best healer, and I continue to take my time to get beyond this evil that so consumed me.
To dear friends and extended family who reached out to me and tried to figure out what to say to let me know they care, I know. I am sorry I couldn’t talk to you about it but, it was mine to work through, and it was so very painful. Sorry about all the crying as I know you aren’t use to that from me. I do so appreciate you all. If I lost touch with you over the last three years, its not you...its me. You know who you are.
Finally, to my family. My husband, who understood. Although I know it was hard, he got it. To my girls, thank you forever for all the listening you did, when you probably didn’t want to. To my boy, who heard.
For all of you that are reading my story, I hope this does not nor has it ever happened to you. Stand up for yourself, stand up for others. Know right, do right. There is NEVER EVER a time when it is acceptable for one person to abuse another. Not no way, not no how.
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