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I have never considered myself a feminist.  At least, I don't think so.  Maybe. A closet feminist, perhaps.  Not extreme mind you, I don't think of myself as extreme in any one direction on any one topic. I hope I consider sides, listen, ponder.   I hope I ask questions that provoke, help open up, go deeper.  Now I realize that not everyone enjoys this...I have been dismissed on many occasions.  Many. 


There is an exhibit at the art center where I work which has struck a chord.  The artist is definitely feminist.  We have two installations of her work and she has also submitted, as is requested of all the artists, a statement.    You'd have to see it to truly understand and read her statement but to summarize it speaks about the spaces between words.  What is said versus what is left unsaid.  


I wish we weren't so uncomfortable in sharing our thoughts and feelings.  I know we have to develop a sense of trust ~ remember me? The one with trust issues? I get it.  There has to be groundwork for sure,  but I wish we really had the ability to hear each other's feelings and not try to convince or sway or move one another to a different feeling.  To accept that feeling as legitimate, real.  I don't tell you things, you don't tell me.  I may tell you what you want to hear. I may tell you what is "safe".   You may tell me what you are suppose to say, taught to say.   


As many of you know, my history is filled with twists and turns to get me here ~ but, it is also the space between that has brought me here.  Just like you.  

Kentucky revisited

My older brother has a lakeside "cabin".  It's an escape really.  Now, a lot of people would say, but you LIVE on a lake.  Yes, I do and I am forever grateful for my little home.  Being at Barkley Lake is much different.  First, there is my sister-in-law, who never sits down.  My brother, who never stops.  The opportunity to see my niece and her beautiful, sweet trio of daughters.  But, as I have posted before, its the no cell phone, no work worries, no stress of the day that makes it possible to enjoy enjoy enjoy family.   I wish I could adequately describe the smoked pork butt sandwiches on Friday night with my brother's special sauce or the Kentucky catfish, crappie and blue gill fish fry on Saturday night or the neighbor down the road who showed up with a peach cobbler on one visit and a watermelon on the next.  It was a great weekend and the food was tremendous.  But, the giggling girls and the family reconnect made it perfect. 


I came back from my weekend to the regular stuff everyone comes back to.  The laundry, the putting away, cleaning out, keeping or not, emptying of the car.  We had a deluge of a rain for about 20 minutes while in Kentucky, just before leaving to head back north.  Hubs left the sun roof open but said "It's not so bad..." when I asked how much rain got in the car.  I understand the sun roof.  I like the sun roof.  I have tried to understand why he doesn't close the sun roof.  Even if there is ZERO chance of rain, why have the sun beating in on the seats? The bugs flying in to the car? Close the sun roof!  Now, of course as soon as I spent a few minutes in the car I realized that yes, there is quite a bit of water in the car...unpack one of those beach towels, please, so I can look forward to a five hour drive sitting on a damp towel.  He seemed surprised, literally, that there would be any dampness at all as he explained "I wiped the water up with my swim shorts".  The silliness of that makes me giggle today but on Sunday, I'm pretty sure I steamed.  


This week is flying by with a busy time at work and much to do at home.  I have let our pantry run almost completely empty because there was so much in there that just needed to be thrown away and the shelves washed down.  Fridge, too.   That's my at home project of the week! 

Is that you, Cindi?

In the "recovery" of my previous work situation, I got a little anti-social.  I have to admit it...and some of you probably have felt it...I just didn't want to have people over or see anyone.  I know hubs got frustrated at times and has been really patient.  Well, I am not sure it has been patience or avoidance, truth be known, but he didn't push me.  I have great friends who also have been patient.  Understanding.  Quietly supportive.  I wanted only to surround myself with family.  Think I had a bit of a trust issue; what do you think?  

It's a new season of Cindi.   

I think it began with a wedding in the fall.  One of my favorite kids was getting married.  I love this young man and his beautiful wife.  I struggled with responding to the invitation because of who I knew would be there.  Could I do it? I don't think I have shared this with anyone but attending the wedding was difficult for me.  In the end, I was not going to cheat myself of sharing the joy of these two.  Besides, I had a few rocks around me...a traveling support team. 

Anxiety laden as I sat through the ceremony, keenly aware of who sat around me and behind me, I clinched my hands and read and re-read the program.  Focus, focus.  Phew and exhale.  Following the ceremony, there it was - I heard a voice shrill and sharp in the back of the church and thought I might vomit. Yep, that's what I wanted to avoid.  Looking quickly at hubs I whispered a need to get out.  I thought I might knock people over as we beat it to the oasis of a small sofa in another building.  I think I literally sat behind a potted plant for a while.  Maybe even in it.  

It was hard but looking back there was such a victory for me, yes ME, to claim that evening as I talked to some favorite people, engaged in deep conversation with lovely young adults that I have know most of their lives, laughed,  danced and enjoyed.  I felt the anxiety and fear melt away as things were made right within me.  Since the wedding in the fall, I have added things back in ~ people, places, events.  Life since then has changed and grown as new experiences and opportunities have come along.  

You know, I have posted before about pushing through and feeling more like my "old self" so you may have thought that I was already here, so what's the big deal?  Well, its a big deal.  I've done a little of the "fake it til you make it" over the past year or so, sure, but I've allowed myself time.   More so, you have allowed me time and I am so grateful.  For my family and friends who recognized, in some way, that I needed a little time and space, thanks.   I turned down invitations and I failed to invite.  Ew.  (I doubt you know this,  but, I use to go grocery shopping at midnight, or in another town, to avoid unpleasant and unwelcome encounters.  Double ew.)  

So now, the big question,  where shall we go for lunch? Who am I kidding? I don't have time for lunch!  I'd love to see you, lets work it out! 

An opening.

The art center where I work had an opening on Friday.  We have pieces from all over the country, we have new items in the gallery shop, we have exciting visitors and events planned; we also are without a marketing director.   It’s temporary but it causes us to step up our individual and team game.   As a small staff, we are scrambling to get every thing that needs to be done the best way we can.  It makes for some crazy, drop everything and go times.  At the end of the day...I love us.  

The staff meets weekly and a request was presented to “bump” up the food a little bit for the opening from what we usually make available at our First Friday events, when the center is open late.  I said “I will take care of the food.” Brave.  How many people? 200 or so? My budget? 200 or so.   

Preparing appetizers for 200 in a pleasing arrangement for $1 per person is a challenge.  Fortunately, we have a couple of interns with us for the summer and a collaborative, passionate and determined staff.   While in our small gallery kitchen on Friday afternoon I took a breath and did a step back observation.  I see the data base guy slicing cucumbers, the tall, well dressed, assistant to the curator shmearing cream cheese, the pixie of an intern concentrating on perfect cucumber placement.  I like to take moments and really soak in them.  You guys know this about me...I observe.   I’m happy but I’m busy so back to opening packages, running plates, scrounging for platters and bowls,  I give direction and do my best not to break a leg in shoes I should not have worn.  We were a machine when it comes to appetizers, folks,  and it went off beautifully.  

An opening is electric.  It brings out a celebratory mood in the guests to the gallery and to the staff.  It causes people to dress up and there are so few times anymore when people get dressed up.  A chance to show off their spark-lies and our guests did not disappoint.  People were happy to be out, impressed and wowed by the art on exhibit, sated by food and beverage.  

At the end of a very busy and somewhat conflicted week, we were pleased at the end of our night as any host or hostess is when a party goes well.  Following our opening, hubs and I went down the street to a small pub and listened to some great music, stayed out til midnight and let stress melt away.  What? Our soon to be daughter-in-law’s parents are coming for the weekend? No worries.  With help, I'll be ready!