Is that you, Cindi?

In the "recovery" of my previous work situation, I got a little anti-social.  I have to admit it...and some of you probably have felt it...I just didn't want to have people over or see anyone.  I know hubs got frustrated at times and has been really patient.  Well, I am not sure it has been patience or avoidance, truth be known, but he didn't push me.  I have great friends who also have been patient.  Understanding.  Quietly supportive.  I wanted only to surround myself with family.  Think I had a bit of a trust issue; what do you think?  

It's a new season of Cindi.   

I think it began with a wedding in the fall.  One of my favorite kids was getting married.  I love this young man and his beautiful wife.  I struggled with responding to the invitation because of who I knew would be there.  Could I do it? I don't think I have shared this with anyone but attending the wedding was difficult for me.  In the end, I was not going to cheat myself of sharing the joy of these two.  Besides, I had a few rocks around me...a traveling support team. 

Anxiety laden as I sat through the ceremony, keenly aware of who sat around me and behind me, I clinched my hands and read and re-read the program.  Focus, focus.  Phew and exhale.  Following the ceremony, there it was - I heard a voice shrill and sharp in the back of the church and thought I might vomit. Yep, that's what I wanted to avoid.  Looking quickly at hubs I whispered a need to get out.  I thought I might knock people over as we beat it to the oasis of a small sofa in another building.  I think I literally sat behind a potted plant for a while.  Maybe even in it.  

It was hard but looking back there was such a victory for me, yes ME, to claim that evening as I talked to some favorite people, engaged in deep conversation with lovely young adults that I have know most of their lives, laughed,  danced and enjoyed.  I felt the anxiety and fear melt away as things were made right within me.  Since the wedding in the fall, I have added things back in ~ people, places, events.  Life since then has changed and grown as new experiences and opportunities have come along.  

You know, I have posted before about pushing through and feeling more like my "old self" so you may have thought that I was already here, so what's the big deal?  Well, its a big deal.  I've done a little of the "fake it til you make it" over the past year or so, sure, but I've allowed myself time.   More so, you have allowed me time and I am so grateful.  For my family and friends who recognized, in some way, that I needed a little time and space, thanks.   I turned down invitations and I failed to invite.  Ew.  (I doubt you know this,  but, I use to go grocery shopping at midnight, or in another town, to avoid unpleasant and unwelcome encounters.  Double ew.)  

So now, the big question,  where shall we go for lunch? Who am I kidding? I don't have time for lunch!  I'd love to see you, lets work it out!