Lessons in a closet.

Over the last year I have performed a brutal, cutthroat clearing of my closet and donated piles of nearly-new, gently-worn and, in some cases, unworn clothing.  When I go in to the closet I am stunned there are still so many items there because I feel like I have practically cleared it.  The shoes alone are mind boggling, and what remains of the hanging “office” clothes could stock a store.  Especially in black, from my most recent job.  When I was working full-time years ago, I remember proudly wearing something different to work every day in December in red, for the holidays you see. 

I ventured in to my closet this morning in search of a particular article of clothing.  While there I discovered two pairs of new “yoga” pants that I had given up on finding on previous excursions.  Always the last place you look, as the saying goes.  I felt I must have accidentally donated those pants, and yet, here they were, stuck at the end of the closet rod, near my husband’s suits. I still must own way too much, was my first thought, if I couldn’t find these pants for six months.  But, yippee!

I do own a lot, but too much? How does one gauge too much?  I could wear something different every day for two weeks maybe.  Is that too much? I do have many different versions of the same “uniform”, the same long sleeve t-shirt in different colors and neck styles, also available in short sleeve, the same cardigan-type sweater in a few colors and lets not forget the knit yoga pants.  I typically will swap out the yoga pants for jeans if I leave the house.  I have two pairs of jeans for just this purpose. But, this wardrobe has replaced my work wardrobe.  

When I worked outside the home I had much more.  Many skirts, many slacks and jackets.  Those have all been donated and I hope are in circulation for someone who needed a pretty nice skirt for work or an interview.  I have cleaned out my side of the closet many times, and I am looking forward to doing so again this week, as I saw many items in there that I no longer need.   I have talked with husband a few times about his many shirts and the need to purge.  Someone could use those, I argue, if you aren’t wearing any longer.  I’m gutsy, but I won’t decide for him. 

I still wish I had that black lace skirt I went on a hunt for this morning…the one I wore to my daughter’s wedding in 2008 and never since…but I also recognize we do have much, and it hit me in the face this morning as I looked at my clothes and shoes.  Everything from food on the table and clean water to drink, to too many clothes ~ a warm house, a healthy family, cars to drive, friends and places to visit.  Lessons are everywhere, aren’t they? Even in closets, teachings are heard.  I am grateful this December day for all I have received.  I close out 2015 with a listening, joy-filled and grateful heart.         

Meloncholiday

It won’t come as a surprise to anyone, as I am sure you feel the same, but, I want my family together all the time. Always.  I woke up to a great day a few mornings ago when my three kids, their lovely spouses and all my grandchildren were in one spot, at one time, all at my table and all happy.   It happens rarely since son and his bride are many states away, but, even when living closer, it is hard to get them all here at once. 

So I relished my day and a half but only after a little melt-down first.  My emotions ran away with me for a 10-minute episode or so, completely out of the blue and overwhelming.  Something was said, can’t even tell you what, and it set me into a bit of a spin, excusing myself to sit alone in my bedroom for a bit.  Talking to myself (sure, I do it) to get over it.  I did not want to lose this day to THAT, whatever it was ~ I think we will call it Meloncholiday. 

Memories flooded my ol’ grey head…my kids as children, me as a child, my parents, my granddaughter’s first Christmas, little boys under Christmas trees with delight in their eyes, one dressed his first year in Elf pajamas and looking as sweet as could be, my nephew calling every Christmas morning to talk with my son, even though they would see each other in a half-hour.   There were also hopes for the future that raced through my mind as we anticipated a big reveal of our 2016 grandchild’s gender, too.   A new baby in the spring, building a small addition to our home, planning and remodeling, landscaping thoughts.   Will we travel, too? Will we enjoy continued good health? Will the kids visit? When will they see each other again?

So, it overtook me for a second.  Hearing the Seattle couple discuss the rest of their week and knowing that I wouldn’t be a part of it, that they won’t be a part of our week, and then they’ll be gone again.  It was tough on this old bird but, by heaven, I was not going to sit on my bed and cry away the afternoon.  Snap out of it, go enjoy your family, I said sternly to myself.  Blow your nose.  Meloncholiday is not today.

Revisit.

This winter is already a drag.  Brown and gray, boring and gloomy.  It’s not even truly “winter” yet as we haven’t arrived at that solstice, that magical day on the December calendar and I’m wishing for spring.  I’ve got a long row to hoe as they say. 

Which, gets me to wondering ~ what sayings will be out of fashion in another 10 years? Facetime me? I already talk to kids about something from an old TV show and they look at me, perplexed, smile through mumbled “I have no idea what you are talking about”.  No one is better at this than my 4 year-old grandson, who has a way of saying “I do not know.” that is at once mature and hysterical.  His second best saying is “Sure.” which he provides as a regular response instead of yes.  Spending time with him always reveals a unique side to his character and his curiosity.  He asked me several times over the weekend “Did you know I am not three anymore, but I am four?” Why yes, yes I did.  I was at that Chuck E. Cheese party. 

When my kids were little, my son, who is dark haired and dark eyed and his not quite a brother, slightly younger, blonde and blue eyed cousin were best friends.  My two grandsons are a repeat of this dynamic and I love watching them together, hear them negotiate, even if it does sometimes come to referee responsibilities just like 30 years ago.  I had to pull the “Hey! I just saw Santa looking in the window!” on the younger grandson, who wiped his face, looked surprised and quizzical as to how that could possibly be, but I’m his GiGi so it must be true.  I love that trick.  Although I never felt it as a mother, as his grandmother, I was moved by his sorrowful expression, his wiping his tears with his fat little hands, smearing and sniffling and checking my face to make sure I meant it.  If a grandmother’s heart could melt, that would have done it.   Those boys warm me to my toes, just like 30 years ago.

Now that I have had the time to think about it, I guess this isn’t such a gloomy time.  I have presents to purchase, wrap, bake, cook, stir.  My son and his wife are due in a few days from Seattle and my family will be all in one place for a brief and beautiful time.  There will be laughter and drama, no doubt, acceptance and excitement.  I’ll say something outdated and dumb, causing my daughters to shake their heads.  My grandkids will giggle, run and “tussle”.  My husband will undoubtedly do something wrong in the kitchen. 

This isn’t such a bad time, after all.  The joy of December cannot be found in the color of the ground, when there isn’t snow, or the sky, when there isn’t sun, but there is joy in December, for sure. 

Girls just wanna have fun!

When my daughters were younger, college age, I tried to visit them on the campus of their university to see something musical.  We’ve also been to musical movies over the years.  I enjoy them, hubs doesn’t particularly, and it’s a good excuse to have girls time. 

This past weekend was our time…a trip to Nutcracker in Chicago.  We have been the previous two years as well, but, in Indianapolis.  Once to Butler University and one performed by the same ballet school my little granddaughter attends, which is a developmental school as they have levels up to “pre-professional”.  Last year the Snow Queen was my granddaughter’s teacher, so that was extra special for her to see.  We saw a spectacular performance this weekend at the Auditorium in Chicago, by the Joffrey.  The building alone is priceless and worth seeing, but the dancers? Oh my.  A special part in this performance was, and I hope you are familiar enough with the Nutcracker to recognize this, a small child in a wheelchair was part of the party scene in the beginning.  That little guy was excited and fantastic in his "crowd scene" role. For my daughter, who enjoys working with children with special needs, seeing him included, and keeping time with the music, and truly beaming, was a joy.

My granddaughter is not quite old enough to audition for a role in the Nutcracker in her studio but I think it’s coming soon.  That will likely change the “girls” time to “family” time, as Grandpas, Daddy, brother, uncles, cousins…they will all be invited.  It will be fun; it will be different.  

I won’t be giving up my girl’s time, however.  I will be searching for a new musical, a new play, concert or movie to attend or a new wine bar or restaurant to try.  I cherish these times…they really help us stay connected, gets the girls out of their “normal” roles. We like to dress up a bit and make it a celebration.   I’ve said it before, I love my son, my sons-in-law, and I love being with all of them, any of them…they bring a different energy, however.  Not a bad one, just different.  My girls are wives, sisters, aunts when we are all together.  When it’s just girls, it’s just that.  If my daughter-in-law were in town, she’d be included, too…I love her. 

Be watching for us.  As our family grows there may be more girls to add but for now, me and my two girls, and sometimes the granddaughters, is like heaven to me, and I hope it is for them, too.   

Where u at?

My husband’s aunt passed away earlier this year and left a bit of a hole…she was the lady in the family who sent everyone a birthday card, if she knew your birthday I guess.  Every year, until she passed away this summer, we received birthday cards.   

I started thinking about my nieces and nephews.  I love them each so very much and realized that although I know their birthdays, I have no idea of their kids birthdays.  I think my sister-in-law, who owns most of the nieces and nephews and off spring, has a pretty good idea, but, it wasn’t written down anywhere.  I also thought about the time I was trying to get in touch with a particular family member, nothing major or traumatic, but, did not have their phone number anywhere.  Sometimes, I have the wife, hubs has the husband, but, this information, as far as I knew, was not centralized anywhere.  This presented me with a major mission…collecting everyone’s information, including birthdays, making and sharing a record.  It started with a Facebook post, finished with some nagging at Thanksgiving and now, the list is 99% complete, at least for this side of the family. 

It’s an impressive list.  As I finalized it, entering information on lines of the spreadsheet, watching the count grow, I took a minute to appreciate each individual.  Thought about the little kids, their funny moments, their smarts, their sweet, sweet faces and how each voice sounds.  Thought about the oldest of the “grands”, and her brothers…how they have grown, what a wonderful job their parents have done.  Looked forward to upcoming births, weddings, graduations.  There is much activity in a family of this size and relationship.

The list fell together easily, quickly really, and now it is something I sort of treasure..not because of the dates and the numbers but because of each person, big or little, who is bound to me and represented in each line.  I treasure them, and I like having a list I can go down, take a moment for each name, each entry, and express my gratitude for them.  

I don’t promise to be, all of a sudden, that aunt that remembers everyone’s birthday and sends out cards…I know myself well enough to know I can’t keep that up.  But I sure like knowing I can find you if I need you!

As for my side of the family? Watch out, there's some nagging heading your way.