A week and a half

So, it’s been a week and a half.  I mean that literally and figuratively.  A bit over a week since hearing of a young woman’s life coming to a tragic end, three young girls injured in body and spirit. 

A week and a half since having a broken heart for a young man I have known since he was an infant.  Of sharing a mother’s heart, and a grandmother’s heart,  with women I adore.  A week and a half since I had an unquenchable thirst to hear my own children’s voices and those of my grandbabies. 

Many of you share this with me and understand.  Let us stay strong, let us stay true and let us stay in support as these amazing little girls show us the way.  Lead us little ladies. 

The T word

I promise I am going to throw out all my current plastic storage containers.  You know what I'm talking about...the T word.  I will, I swear, I will.  I have had a very well stocked cabinet of these containers for years.  You can't help but have them for years.  You get to a point where they start looking very sad.  I am to that point.

Hubs has always taken leftovers for lunch.  It's a great thing but the man does not know the meaning of dump it out on a paper plate to heat it up in the microwave, please, not in the plastic storage container.   He has also never fully grasped the concept of microwaves heat food from the inside out...so, heat it a LITTLE bit and then allow it to heat from the inside.  Stir, check it and maybe heat again.  No.  To him, microwave has always meant two minutes. Doesn't matter what or how much, its two minutes. 

You can imagine what my plastic storage containers look like.  I would like to get new plastic storage containers but I am not sure I can until he retires.   I am trying not to be angry over the condition of my prized plastic storage containers but quite frankly, I am sort of ticked off.  I would like to pull out a container and lid and not have that bubbled, crinkled ring of melted plastic around the inside. 

I have mostly matched lids and containers but every once in a while they get separated.   About a month ago, as I was putting away groceries,  I started to look for the lid for a small yellow pitcher. It's where I keep sunflower seeds for sprinkling onto salads.  I always have it.  ALWAYS.  I could not find it and where in the world could it be? It had sunflower seeds in it last week, in the fridge so why now is it not with the pitcher? I tore through the cabinet of lids and containers, I may have grumbled.  Dang it.  Who did something with my lid?  I asked around the house and my tone may have been slightly accusatory. 

Fine.  Just fine.  I will put the sunflower seeds in this OTHER small pitcher, which is totally wrong for sunflower seeds, but since someone has lost the lid to the yellow pitcher which should be right here, I'll use it.

Here's the problem.  I haven't seen that yellow pitcher with its lid in forever and a day.  The sunflower seeds really go in the smaller clear pitcher with a different yellow lid that is still in the fridge with just a few seeds in it.  They never were in the yellow pitcher...that's too big.    

Ooops. 

The year of the challenge.

Some time ago, I issued a challenge to myself. Decided that I wanted to keep things moving. You know, try new things, go to new places, see more, do more and not say no to so much. Life is for living.



For several years, hubs employer has held a family night at Coveleski Stadium in South Bend. It has been around the fourth of July every year so there are fireworks. Fireworks in South Bend, Indiana are pretty neat and I think back to a night of fireworks when I was in the back seat of my friend’s red Firebird convertible. Fireworks were overhead, it was a spectacularly clear and warm night. I can’t remember why we were in South Bend but I am sure glad I had that experience.


But, back to hubs employer’s family nights at the ball game. These family nights were not all that much fun to me. I know people put a lot of effort and work toward them but I was more than blasé about them. I was bored. Way bored. Somewhere in the last year or so I have recognized that my boring experiences are my fault. Say what? Yes, my fault. Time to get over myself and so the challenge was issued. Along with the do more, see more was the ENJOY more.


I had a great time at the ball game last Friday night. I have no idea who played. South Bend I suppose, but other than that I couldn’t tell you. I ran in to an acquaintance from MY work. She was as surprised to see me as I was her, and we had a fun few minutes of conversation as she went off to her husband’s company area and I went off to mine. Serendipitous.


I spoke at length to a woman I admire greatly for her tenacity and strength in battling, and successfully thus far, cancer. I also talked with her lovely daughter and friendly, smiling husband, discovered we also had some connections. I was entertained by their young child who had his grandparents in the palm of his hand. A feeling I understand all too well. Two years ago, I would not have approached their table. I would have either thought them too busy, too far removed in some way, to be approached. In their own clique. (Seriously, had a problem with it. Am I in middle school?) But, this year, the year of the challenge, I said “Screw it. I’m gonna go see how she’s doing!” That’s right. I said screw it. Spent way more time catching up with her than I would have guessed, enjoyed laughing and remembering some previous events we shared, including some tremendous travel opportunities, and left their sitting area with her saying to me “Thanks for coming over! It’s great seeing you!” I so enjoyed it. But, I have no idea who played or won the ballgame. Ooops.


The year of the challenge. It didn’t start at the first of the year, not at all a resolution,  but more towards my birthday, when, if you recall, I like to take stock. See where I’m at. I like where I’ve been but I really look forward to where I’m going! More to come, more to see, more to try and yes, much more to enjoy.

Share with me

I have never considered myself a feminist.  At least, I don't think so.  Maybe. A closet feminist, perhaps.  Not extreme mind you, I don't think of myself as extreme in any one direction on any one topic. I hope I consider sides, listen, ponder.   I hope I ask questions that provoke, help open up, go deeper.  Now I realize that not everyone enjoys this...I have been dismissed on many occasions.  Many. 


There is an exhibit at the art center where I work which has struck a chord.  The artist is definitely feminist.  We have two installations of her work and she has also submitted, as is requested of all the artists, a statement.    You'd have to see it to truly understand and read her statement but to summarize it speaks about the spaces between words.  What is said versus what is left unsaid.  


I wish we weren't so uncomfortable in sharing our thoughts and feelings.  I know we have to develop a sense of trust ~ remember me? The one with trust issues? I get it.  There has to be groundwork for sure,  but I wish we really had the ability to hear each other's feelings and not try to convince or sway or move one another to a different feeling.  To accept that feeling as legitimate, real.  I don't tell you things, you don't tell me.  I may tell you what you want to hear. I may tell you what is "safe".   You may tell me what you are suppose to say, taught to say.   


As many of you know, my history is filled with twists and turns to get me here ~ but, it is also the space between that has brought me here.  Just like you.  

Kentucky revisited

My older brother has a lakeside "cabin".  It's an escape really.  Now, a lot of people would say, but you LIVE on a lake.  Yes, I do and I am forever grateful for my little home.  Being at Barkley Lake is much different.  First, there is my sister-in-law, who never sits down.  My brother, who never stops.  The opportunity to see my niece and her beautiful, sweet trio of daughters.  But, as I have posted before, its the no cell phone, no work worries, no stress of the day that makes it possible to enjoy enjoy enjoy family.   I wish I could adequately describe the smoked pork butt sandwiches on Friday night with my brother's special sauce or the Kentucky catfish, crappie and blue gill fish fry on Saturday night or the neighbor down the road who showed up with a peach cobbler on one visit and a watermelon on the next.  It was a great weekend and the food was tremendous.  But, the giggling girls and the family reconnect made it perfect. 


I came back from my weekend to the regular stuff everyone comes back to.  The laundry, the putting away, cleaning out, keeping or not, emptying of the car.  We had a deluge of a rain for about 20 minutes while in Kentucky, just before leaving to head back north.  Hubs left the sun roof open but said "It's not so bad..." when I asked how much rain got in the car.  I understand the sun roof.  I like the sun roof.  I have tried to understand why he doesn't close the sun roof.  Even if there is ZERO chance of rain, why have the sun beating in on the seats? The bugs flying in to the car? Close the sun roof!  Now, of course as soon as I spent a few minutes in the car I realized that yes, there is quite a bit of water in the car...unpack one of those beach towels, please, so I can look forward to a five hour drive sitting on a damp towel.  He seemed surprised, literally, that there would be any dampness at all as he explained "I wiped the water up with my swim shorts".  The silliness of that makes me giggle today but on Sunday, I'm pretty sure I steamed.  


This week is flying by with a busy time at work and much to do at home.  I have let our pantry run almost completely empty because there was so much in there that just needed to be thrown away and the shelves washed down.  Fridge, too.   That's my at home project of the week! 

Is that you, Cindi?

In the "recovery" of my previous work situation, I got a little anti-social.  I have to admit it...and some of you probably have felt it...I just didn't want to have people over or see anyone.  I know hubs got frustrated at times and has been really patient.  Well, I am not sure it has been patience or avoidance, truth be known, but he didn't push me.  I have great friends who also have been patient.  Understanding.  Quietly supportive.  I wanted only to surround myself with family.  Think I had a bit of a trust issue; what do you think?  

It's a new season of Cindi.   

I think it began with a wedding in the fall.  One of my favorite kids was getting married.  I love this young man and his beautiful wife.  I struggled with responding to the invitation because of who I knew would be there.  Could I do it? I don't think I have shared this with anyone but attending the wedding was difficult for me.  In the end, I was not going to cheat myself of sharing the joy of these two.  Besides, I had a few rocks around me...a traveling support team. 

Anxiety laden as I sat through the ceremony, keenly aware of who sat around me and behind me, I clinched my hands and read and re-read the program.  Focus, focus.  Phew and exhale.  Following the ceremony, there it was - I heard a voice shrill and sharp in the back of the church and thought I might vomit. Yep, that's what I wanted to avoid.  Looking quickly at hubs I whispered a need to get out.  I thought I might knock people over as we beat it to the oasis of a small sofa in another building.  I think I literally sat behind a potted plant for a while.  Maybe even in it.  

It was hard but looking back there was such a victory for me, yes ME, to claim that evening as I talked to some favorite people, engaged in deep conversation with lovely young adults that I have know most of their lives, laughed,  danced and enjoyed.  I felt the anxiety and fear melt away as things were made right within me.  Since the wedding in the fall, I have added things back in ~ people, places, events.  Life since then has changed and grown as new experiences and opportunities have come along.  

You know, I have posted before about pushing through and feeling more like my "old self" so you may have thought that I was already here, so what's the big deal?  Well, its a big deal.  I've done a little of the "fake it til you make it" over the past year or so, sure, but I've allowed myself time.   More so, you have allowed me time and I am so grateful.  For my family and friends who recognized, in some way, that I needed a little time and space, thanks.   I turned down invitations and I failed to invite.  Ew.  (I doubt you know this,  but, I use to go grocery shopping at midnight, or in another town, to avoid unpleasant and unwelcome encounters.  Double ew.)  

So now, the big question,  where shall we go for lunch? Who am I kidding? I don't have time for lunch!  I'd love to see you, lets work it out! 

An opening.

The art center where I work had an opening on Friday.  We have pieces from all over the country, we have new items in the gallery shop, we have exciting visitors and events planned; we also are without a marketing director.   It’s temporary but it causes us to step up our individual and team game.   As a small staff, we are scrambling to get every thing that needs to be done the best way we can.  It makes for some crazy, drop everything and go times.  At the end of the day...I love us.  

The staff meets weekly and a request was presented to “bump” up the food a little bit for the opening from what we usually make available at our First Friday events, when the center is open late.  I said “I will take care of the food.” Brave.  How many people? 200 or so? My budget? 200 or so.   

Preparing appetizers for 200 in a pleasing arrangement for $1 per person is a challenge.  Fortunately, we have a couple of interns with us for the summer and a collaborative, passionate and determined staff.   While in our small gallery kitchen on Friday afternoon I took a breath and did a step back observation.  I see the data base guy slicing cucumbers, the tall, well dressed, assistant to the curator shmearing cream cheese, the pixie of an intern concentrating on perfect cucumber placement.  I like to take moments and really soak in them.  You guys know this about me...I observe.   I’m happy but I’m busy so back to opening packages, running plates, scrounging for platters and bowls,  I give direction and do my best not to break a leg in shoes I should not have worn.  We were a machine when it comes to appetizers, folks,  and it went off beautifully.  

An opening is electric.  It brings out a celebratory mood in the guests to the gallery and to the staff.  It causes people to dress up and there are so few times anymore when people get dressed up.  A chance to show off their spark-lies and our guests did not disappoint.  People were happy to be out, impressed and wowed by the art on exhibit, sated by food and beverage.  

At the end of a very busy and somewhat conflicted week, we were pleased at the end of our night as any host or hostess is when a party goes well.  Following our opening, hubs and I went down the street to a small pub and listened to some great music, stayed out til midnight and let stress melt away.  What? Our soon to be daughter-in-law’s parents are coming for the weekend? No worries.  With help, I'll be ready!