Kentucky revisited

My older brother has a lakeside "cabin".  It's an escape really.  Now, a lot of people would say, but you LIVE on a lake.  Yes, I do and I am forever grateful for my little home.  Being at Barkley Lake is much different.  First, there is my sister-in-law, who never sits down.  My brother, who never stops.  The opportunity to see my niece and her beautiful, sweet trio of daughters.  But, as I have posted before, its the no cell phone, no work worries, no stress of the day that makes it possible to enjoy enjoy enjoy family.   I wish I could adequately describe the smoked pork butt sandwiches on Friday night with my brother's special sauce or the Kentucky catfish, crappie and blue gill fish fry on Saturday night or the neighbor down the road who showed up with a peach cobbler on one visit and a watermelon on the next.  It was a great weekend and the food was tremendous.  But, the giggling girls and the family reconnect made it perfect. 


I came back from my weekend to the regular stuff everyone comes back to.  The laundry, the putting away, cleaning out, keeping or not, emptying of the car.  We had a deluge of a rain for about 20 minutes while in Kentucky, just before leaving to head back north.  Hubs left the sun roof open but said "It's not so bad..." when I asked how much rain got in the car.  I understand the sun roof.  I like the sun roof.  I have tried to understand why he doesn't close the sun roof.  Even if there is ZERO chance of rain, why have the sun beating in on the seats? The bugs flying in to the car? Close the sun roof!  Now, of course as soon as I spent a few minutes in the car I realized that yes, there is quite a bit of water in the car...unpack one of those beach towels, please, so I can look forward to a five hour drive sitting on a damp towel.  He seemed surprised, literally, that there would be any dampness at all as he explained "I wiped the water up with my swim shorts".  The silliness of that makes me giggle today but on Sunday, I'm pretty sure I steamed.  


This week is flying by with a busy time at work and much to do at home.  I have let our pantry run almost completely empty because there was so much in there that just needed to be thrown away and the shelves washed down.  Fridge, too.   That's my at home project of the week! 

Is that you, Cindi?

In the "recovery" of my previous work situation, I got a little anti-social.  I have to admit it...and some of you probably have felt it...I just didn't want to have people over or see anyone.  I know hubs got frustrated at times and has been really patient.  Well, I am not sure it has been patience or avoidance, truth be known, but he didn't push me.  I have great friends who also have been patient.  Understanding.  Quietly supportive.  I wanted only to surround myself with family.  Think I had a bit of a trust issue; what do you think?  

It's a new season of Cindi.   

I think it began with a wedding in the fall.  One of my favorite kids was getting married.  I love this young man and his beautiful wife.  I struggled with responding to the invitation because of who I knew would be there.  Could I do it? I don't think I have shared this with anyone but attending the wedding was difficult for me.  In the end, I was not going to cheat myself of sharing the joy of these two.  Besides, I had a few rocks around me...a traveling support team. 

Anxiety laden as I sat through the ceremony, keenly aware of who sat around me and behind me, I clinched my hands and read and re-read the program.  Focus, focus.  Phew and exhale.  Following the ceremony, there it was - I heard a voice shrill and sharp in the back of the church and thought I might vomit. Yep, that's what I wanted to avoid.  Looking quickly at hubs I whispered a need to get out.  I thought I might knock people over as we beat it to the oasis of a small sofa in another building.  I think I literally sat behind a potted plant for a while.  Maybe even in it.  

It was hard but looking back there was such a victory for me, yes ME, to claim that evening as I talked to some favorite people, engaged in deep conversation with lovely young adults that I have know most of their lives, laughed,  danced and enjoyed.  I felt the anxiety and fear melt away as things were made right within me.  Since the wedding in the fall, I have added things back in ~ people, places, events.  Life since then has changed and grown as new experiences and opportunities have come along.  

You know, I have posted before about pushing through and feeling more like my "old self" so you may have thought that I was already here, so what's the big deal?  Well, its a big deal.  I've done a little of the "fake it til you make it" over the past year or so, sure, but I've allowed myself time.   More so, you have allowed me time and I am so grateful.  For my family and friends who recognized, in some way, that I needed a little time and space, thanks.   I turned down invitations and I failed to invite.  Ew.  (I doubt you know this,  but, I use to go grocery shopping at midnight, or in another town, to avoid unpleasant and unwelcome encounters.  Double ew.)  

So now, the big question,  where shall we go for lunch? Who am I kidding? I don't have time for lunch!  I'd love to see you, lets work it out! 

An opening.

The art center where I work had an opening on Friday.  We have pieces from all over the country, we have new items in the gallery shop, we have exciting visitors and events planned; we also are without a marketing director.   It’s temporary but it causes us to step up our individual and team game.   As a small staff, we are scrambling to get every thing that needs to be done the best way we can.  It makes for some crazy, drop everything and go times.  At the end of the day...I love us.  

The staff meets weekly and a request was presented to “bump” up the food a little bit for the opening from what we usually make available at our First Friday events, when the center is open late.  I said “I will take care of the food.” Brave.  How many people? 200 or so? My budget? 200 or so.   

Preparing appetizers for 200 in a pleasing arrangement for $1 per person is a challenge.  Fortunately, we have a couple of interns with us for the summer and a collaborative, passionate and determined staff.   While in our small gallery kitchen on Friday afternoon I took a breath and did a step back observation.  I see the data base guy slicing cucumbers, the tall, well dressed, assistant to the curator shmearing cream cheese, the pixie of an intern concentrating on perfect cucumber placement.  I like to take moments and really soak in them.  You guys know this about me...I observe.   I’m happy but I’m busy so back to opening packages, running plates, scrounging for platters and bowls,  I give direction and do my best not to break a leg in shoes I should not have worn.  We were a machine when it comes to appetizers, folks,  and it went off beautifully.  

An opening is electric.  It brings out a celebratory mood in the guests to the gallery and to the staff.  It causes people to dress up and there are so few times anymore when people get dressed up.  A chance to show off their spark-lies and our guests did not disappoint.  People were happy to be out, impressed and wowed by the art on exhibit, sated by food and beverage.  

At the end of a very busy and somewhat conflicted week, we were pleased at the end of our night as any host or hostess is when a party goes well.  Following our opening, hubs and I went down the street to a small pub and listened to some great music, stayed out til midnight and let stress melt away.  What? Our soon to be daughter-in-law’s parents are coming for the weekend? No worries.  With help, I'll be ready!  

I am unbelievably antsy. 

I want to shed the things I own in order to travel, to drop everything and go.  I think it stems from not having traveled much over the last few years of the “economic downturn”.   I’ve reported before of the lovely trips we used to take with hubs employer...those were good days and good times.  (Remember, not “going” was my reason for getting a dog.) 

I miss spending money sometimes but mostly I miss travel.  I miss seeing new things and I miss the relaxation.  Dare I admit that I miss having room service, a never ending banquet of great tropical food and drink.  Indulgence.  I miss indulgence, darn it.  During those times I HAD to shop to BUY new things to wear, to OWN.

I went to Spain and the Canary Islands in one trip.  I don’t think I appreciated it enough at the time. Send me again, please, and I will show you appreciation like you can’t believe.  I will talk endlessly about it. I will effuse, effervesce even.  

These are the things that are rolling through my quiet days.  How I wish I were getting ready for a big trip.  Anywhere, somewhere.  A change of scenery.  Do you? 

I'm all about change.

Now that I have my great little dog, I am back to walking around in the yard for a little while before I prepare myself for the work day.  It's amazing to me how just adding one small thing can change your entire 24 hours.  The little dog requires some exercise and some stretching as she sleeps in a crate.  She requires some care and some affection in the morning, and hey, who doesn't?  


I wasn't one to get up too much before I had to prepare myself for work or whatever.  I just didn't really like mornings so much.  Being a night person, I stayed up late and then slept until I could no longer stay in bed and get on with it.  I liked it.  


Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed completely but the little dog does mean its different.  I have her to think about and she needs to walk.  Well, I'm not going to let her walk around out there by herself, am I?  She needs to prance and dance for me, to show off a bit, to do her turns and paw at me with her silly little feet.  She really needs a belly rub and a treat would be nice, even if she did just eat her breakfast.  


Point is, I'm down there in the yard, walking around in the early morning sunshine.  It's hitting me on the head, it's beating down on my back, it's warming my shoulders and causing me to squint.  I kind of like it.  

Where'd it go?

You know I am a frustrated gardener, right?  It takes so much time, energy and money to have some great flower beds and I have not a spare of any of those.  Here’s the thing, though...where does my time go? And if my time has taken a hike, what the heck happened to my energy? Money? Well, if I had any, I might be able to tell you where it is.  

I saw a commercial the other day regarding, oh, I don’t know, life insurance maybe.  This woman explains that retirement doesn’t mean stop living.  Now, I’m not retired but her story was she retired on a Friday and on Monday was in class, learning how to be a massage therapist.  She’s now working as a massage therapist.  Isn’t that something? Fantastic, really. 

Where do people find it? The ability to be so motivated at an “advanced” age? Is it something we are born with? Learn? Earn? Get bequeathed, like Aunt Ethel’s lace doily collection? Why can one person be so moved to be moving, changing, evolving and others, eh, just, eh? 

I work with some great women.  Motivated, high energy.  All over 50, some over 60 and they are dynamos.  I can’t figure out how I got mixed up with them on some days, on other days, I’m trying to figure out if I want to be.  I am trying to learn from them...get on that bandwagon and do more.  I feel like I use to do a lot and now, eh.  

I think I use to see women such as these women as those who had something to prove, who couldn’t be happy unless they were achieving something, something to point at to say “See?”.  But I don’t feel that way any more.  I think women such as these, and now I know many in their 20s, in their 30s and 40s...not just their 50s and 60s, who just chose to live it to the fullest. Who get ideas and run with them, and why not? Why should they stop?   Maybe they are more motivated because they have allowed themselves to be; they listen, they respond, they do.  

Would one of you come over and do my flower beds? How about the closets I have yet to finish from last week? A massage? Are any of you learning massage? 

Closets

Last year I saw a post from someone, can’t remember who or where, that had started a project to clean out closets.  I’ve done pretty well with our bedroom closet over the past, oh, I don’t know, five years or so, but the other closets were getting pretty out of hand.  I am not someone who hates to throw things away, but it takes me a while. 

So this weekend, I tackled a couple closets.  “Why two at once?” you might ask and I wish I had an answer for that cause it created a lot of chaos.  I just found I needed to move one thing from Closet A to Closet B but that meant I had to make room in closet B and so it began.  

Closet A had a lot of old pictures from my kids high school days in it.  So,  of course I had to sit down for an hour or so and look at those.  Closet B had some childrens books so, of course, I had to sit down and look through those.  I prepared a box for Goodwill and prepared a bag for trash.  I stacked some things for recycling and re-stacked closet shelves.  I was feeling not so bad about the progress.  I managed to condense some boxes and move some cardboard out.  Good for me.  Until I looked at the guest room bed.  I started placing things that needed yet to be determined on the bed.  Old coats, gloves without mates.  Hangers.  My broken reindeer, which is a sore subject around here, and I can’t seem to get rid of it.  

To add to all this chaos, I also sorta started on Closet C.  I began to wonder how this person who posted that she cleaned one closet a month or whatever it was, did it.  I decided to move some cleaning supplies from Closet A to the laundry room (yes, I agree, the laundry room makes much more sense.  Why would anyone put cleaning supplies in Closet A?) But, I needed to do a little spruce up of the area where the cleaning supplies were going.   What’s that? Two empty laundry detergent jugs? Really?  Well, that’s going to mean they need to be turned upside down in the bathroom sink to make sure I get every last drop of detergent out.  Oh, goodness...look at that toilet, I really need to clean that.  Where are the cleaning supplies again? Why don’t I just go ahead and create room in this bathroom closet here for the cleaning supplies I need in here.  Oh, me oh my.  Is that a load of towels that need to be folded? I’ll just throw them on the guest bed and get back to that later because right now I need to scrub the toilet, make room for cleaning supplies, wipe down the laundry room floor, and good gravy the laundry detergent jug just fell over and now, the detergent I was trying to squeeze out is running down the sink drain so I didn’t get it anyway.  

And there are towels on the bed, on top of the coats and the books I pulled out for the grandchildren but need to clear a space on the end table shelf.  All the while, I am making a mental list of the decorating ideas I am coming up with but have yet to share with hubs, who has walked through the house grumbling about lunch a couple of times.  I have also made a list for him, yet to be sprung, and it begins with my broken reindeer.  I am about to make his day.